Survivor

I want to rage
I want to rage so fiercely
Like a hurricane ripping up the land
I want to rain fire and brimstone
I want flood the lands with stormwaves tall as mountains
I want to swing my sword cutting through meaningless flesh
I want to scream until your eardrums burst
I want to let go let go of holding back the chaos

And thus
I sit
My back to the wall
Arms wrapped around my knees
Because all I want to rage against
Are dead already
It would be an empty gesture

I do not make empty gestures

Sadness

Sadness is leaking
Like broken plumbing
Sewage of pain
Better out than in ey?

Trying to stop the leak
With bad habits
Chocolate
Mainly

No drugs
Never drugs
Brain on emotional rollercoaster
And it keeps spilling everywhere

If you don’t watch it
It will stick to you
After a hug with me
I don’t want that

So I leave
Walk alone
In the dark
In the woods

I am not scared
I am the woods
I breathe the silence
I am never alone

They all died
Slowly
Painfully
The perpetrators
Cheating me out of my revenge

What now?
I have no choice
But to heal now
It’s painful
Healing

Scars hurt, itch, bother
Sadness leaks everywhere
Like a flood of gue
I can’t stop it

So I just let it leak
Let it spill out
Send it on it’s way
It will stop eventually

I know

Unseen

You need no mask
You need no hiding

You walk unseen
Amongst the living

Yet you can hear
Can listen

They speak
About your strength
your beauty
your light
your resilience

You hear
Yet are unseen

Until
that day
on which
you learn
that it was you
who didn’t see
yourself

that is
the day
you start breathing

When will it stop?

When will it stop?

The peeling off

Of onion layers?

Will there ever be a bottom?

Will you ever arrive?

Within yourself?

Or is this a spiral?

Unearthing darkness?

Throwing out pain like outgrown clothes?

Recycling bad habits turning old into new.

More healthy more positive

Until you hit the next wall.

The Shadow

Hovering over your every move
Darkness shrouded
Lying in wait
To pounce on the unsuspecting

To raise a storm tide
For a wrong word, a look, a smile
For a letter missing
For an idea incomplete
For independent thought
For a rumour taken as truth
For truth taken as lie
For a molehill perceived as an elephant

The shadow is stuck in front of the mirror
Fixated
Concealer to hide the marks
A fragile mask of normalcy

Not to be seen
Not to be known
Not to be found out

Hasty strokes applied
Over and over again
Mimikri for a world full of enemies

They must not know
They must not see
The shadow is caught in echoes of his reflection

Trigger Warning

Like light and dark
Like clouds crossing the ocean
So cross your feelings
Bobbing with the waves
Push and pull

Come closer I need you
Go away I hate you

That’s how it works
The traumatized self
Can’t cope alone
Can’t cope together

Must find someone to hate
To leash out to
Must have an enemy
Because every enemy created is better
Is saver then the enemy within

The one you can’t escape
The one who whispers from the shadows
The one you have forgotten

For now

But the pain
You haven’t forgotten
The pain is still there
Body memory
Simmering underneath the surface
The pain is anger now
A self righteous mission against windmills
Giants who never were

That’s why you chose to fight them
They are invisible
Nobody understands
And thus you win because nobody can tell you that your mission is a hoax
A distraction
A ploy

Grief is a strange beast

Grief is a very strange beast
Fighting you with tooth and claw
You fight back
Every fiber of your soul
On high alert

Eventually it sleeps
For while
For days
For weeks
For months

And then
One day
 

You tamed it

And then
One day

You think you tamed it

You let your guard down
You don’t watch over your shoulder

And when you least expect it
And when it is most inopportune
It pounces
Claws stretched
Teeth exposed
Ripping open wounds
Barely closed over

Only to go to sleep again

Leaving you the aching pain of scars

Life is like a fruit bowl

Life is like a fruit bowl
Something sweet
Something sour
Something bitter
Something bland
Something exotic

Something not yet ready
Something overripe
Like our want to ignore
Like our urge to thrive

And if we don’t take care
And don’t lift hidden fruit
Underneath of all that colour
It is going to rot

Lift things from the shadows
Hold them into the light
Even if they are sour
Or really hard to bite

Or else they will just fester
Or else they make you sick
The hidden fruit in shadow
The wounds that never healed

Tumbleweed

The tumbleweed of random thoughts
Can your mind be empty?

Breathe the thoughts away
Let them roll, roll, roll
Down the stream of consciousness

The tumbleweed of random thoughts
Sometimes takes me places
I do not want to go

So like tumbleweed I just
Let them roll, roll, roll
Away

Until I am ready to look at the tumbleweed