Strange Befores

Strange befores
Aftermath in hindsight

In the middle
But transient space

Familiar voices
In my head
Speak about regrets

Strange face
Old pictures
A me long gone

Holds the wave of sadness
Could have beens
No more

Familiar pain
A sad song humming
Hope rising

Stranger me
Holding on to dear life
In a life long gone
Until my me broke free

With nowhere to go
Transient space


I am me
Somewhere deep down
Like snowdrops
Green growth tries to break through layers of frozen can’ts

My stomach churns
The planted bulbs want to break free
And there is not enough space within me
For all that growth

I will have to become bigger
I will have to become more
I will have to become stronger
I will have to become me
I will have to heal

I forgive myself through space and time
I am fallen
I have landed
I have lost my sword
I yield my shield
I have fallen
Eons ago
I have fallen
Without worth
I have fallen

But never was lost
Never was unseen
Never did not belong

I was fallen
To come home

Right a wrong

What if you can’t right a wrong?

What if you can’t cry wolf?
What if you cannot pretend?

You know

You placed yourself into a corner
You are stuck
And the only way out
Is truth


Life isn’t
Mutually exclusive
Love isn’t
Mutually exclusive

Your space to live
To thrive
To grow

My space to live
To thrive
To grow

His love for you
His love for me

My love for you
My love for him

There is so much space
For it all

However, protect your love
Your love for yourself

Her pain
Is not yours to carry
Her darkness
Is not yours to follow
Her abuse
Is not yours to mirror
Her hate
Is not yours to pass on
Her bile
Is not yours to swallow
Her lie
Is not yours to believe
Her violence
Is not yours to bear

Sweet child o’mine
Brave girl high heels rolling
Beautiful mind full of stars
Smile like the sun
The warmth of summer

Come home
Little bird grown
Come home

10 years

As it began
so it ends

I handed myself over
Gave myself upI have claimed myself back
I relentlessly believe in my powerYour spite and greed
Your self-loathingWill eat you
One day
Let go of the monster
You are better than that

Geh mit Gott
Aber Geh

All Edges

I am always all edges




Not fitting in

I am always all edges

Saying the wrong things

Too much

Too straight

No filter


I am always all edges

Strong colours

Strong bones

Strong mind

Strong willed

I am always fighting




But they are mostly dead now


I wish

For a little bit

For a day or so

I could just blend in

Be a chameleon

Pretend I know how to hack this life thing

You Can

You can know yourself

Like the back of your hand

You can love yourself

With all your might

You can shine a light

Into the dark corners of your soul

While holding a poker

–Just in case

You can forgive

So generously

As if your life depended on it

–It just might

You can kick

Your own backside

Gently but assertive

–When needs be

You can stand tall

Within yourself

With pride and humility

And serve


You cannot

You cannot cross the same river twice

You cannot go back to change regrets

You cannot predict where tomorrow carries you

You cannot know then what you know now

You cannot sing an unwritten song

You cannot feel when you are numb

You cannot hear over the noise in your mind

You cannot see what’s right in front of you

You cannot fix what’s meant to break

You cannot heal without looking in the mirror

You cannot run from yourself

You cannot flee your past either

You cannot do what you can’t

But can you do

What you can?

Can you be you?