It rains

The rain it raineth every day
It rains cookies at night
Kisses in the morning
Tears on a bad day
And cuddles supporting

The rain it raineth every day
It rains coffee on grey days
Chocolate for sads
Smiles every chance
And laughter as much as we can

The rain it raineth every day
It rains Schnitzel with noodles
Friendship in oodles
Happiness as we make it
And sweet smelling roses

It’s not quite there yet but I thought I share anyway

Sadness

Sadness is leaking
Like broken plumbing
Sewage of pain
Better out than in ey?

Trying to stop the leak
With bad habits
Chocolate
Mainly

No drugs
Never drugs
Brain on emotional rollercoaster
And it keeps spilling everywhere

If you don’t watch it
It will stick to you
After a hug with me
I don’t want that

So I leave
Walk alone
In the dark
In the woods

I am not scared
I am the woods
I breathe the silence
I am never alone

They all died
Slowly
Painfully
The perpetrators
Cheating me out of my revenge

What now?
I have no choice
But to heal now
It’s painful
Healing

Scars hurt, itch, bother
Sadness leaks everywhere
Like a flood of gue
I can’t stop it

So I just let it leak
Let it spill out
Send it on it’s way
It will stop eventually

I know

Sadness

When sadness is all you know

And in the morning you get up
And you try to find an inch of caring
And you paint on a smile
And you moisturize your frown
And you put on your armour
All black, all red, a stunning dress
Yoga pants and tunic
Anything, everything to hide behind

Do not see me–
Get distracted by my armour–please!

Do not see me–
As I fade into the background–please!

I can’t fade.
I am too much.
Too obvious.
Too present.
And then there are words faster than my brain tumbling out unsuspectedly.
So I hide.
Behind my armour of distraction.
Homemade–my silent prayers woven into the fabric.
Not even dragon claws could cut through.

So you carry the hills, the wood, the sea, within. Anchors in a wild wild world.

You might carry faith, belonging, love.
You might carry anger, pride, resentment.
Opposing mechanisms for the same purpose: To keep you save
In this wild wild world, from whom you need to hide your pain.

When the world drowns in tears

Every tear carrying with it an infinite amount of pain
All around you
Inside you
There is no escape
Just pain
And sadness

The girl with the bleeding feet
Red shoes swirling wildly
Towards the abyss

Every drop of blood carrying with it an infinite amount of sorrow
All around you
Inside you
There is no escape
Just sorrow
And grief

Are you out of tears yet?

Are you out of pain?

Are you out of sorrow?
Never, ever again?

Just stop being silly
It will never end

But there is a hug
And there is a talk
And there are friends

There are birds in the trees
And flowers in the grass
There are rays of sunshine on your skin
And grey days for cuddling in

So cry your tears
And scream your fears
And bleed your sorrow
But then tomorrow
You get up again

My Sadness

Creeps up on me
Unexpectedly
In the most inconvenient moment

In monthly ebb and flow
Expedited by grief—about changes

Grief about having to let go
Grief about accepting that which once was is no more
Grief about could-have-beens
Grief about loss

In monthly ebb and flow
The grief is brought to the fore
The ebb and flow of life
Will always be bittersweet
A tear for the past
A smile for the present
And the future—an unknown—not worth fretting about
Because what is to come is to come

So I embrace my sadness
Because this too shall pass
Because at the moment this is
Bit by bit by bit a part of healing
And tomorrow the sun will smile again

Your Hate

Your Hate is an empty echo
You scream it into the voids of the virtual realm
It shows shallow understanding:
Of yourself, your behaviour, your ignorance,
Your manipulation, your anger, your violence

Your Hate does not reach me
No matter how hard you try
Because it aims at a person—a version you created of me—that does not exist
Your Hate attacks a projection of your own pain—not me
Yet you cannot see this

Because Your Hate
Red mist—even after such a long time
Clouds your judgement
Of your self
Of others—not just me
Others you have wronged with misdirected hate
Others you have wronged with victimizing yourself
Silent Atonement I had to exercise for believing your smokescreen of hate

And so I prayed
And lid candles
I asked for your soul to be saved
But you need to want saving
And you don’t
Because being saved
Is painful
Hate
Is easy

Is the ocean really full of tears?

Cried by mermaids?
Cried by you?

I wonder.
I ponder.
As I watch tiny droplets turn from crimson to gold.

Who else would cry so much?

All the wars?
The ones with weapons, the ones without.
There is no space for tears.
All the hunger?
From lack of food, from lack of love.
There is no energy for tears.
All the violence?
Sin against bodies, sin against souls?
There is no breath for tears.

So where do the tears come from?

I wonder.
I ponder.
As I watch tiny droplets turn from crimson to gold.

They come after.
Once it’s over.
I think.

Because after.
There is space.
And the duct tape that held your soul together.
Rips.

I wonder.
I ponder.
As I watch tiny droplets turn from crimson to gold.

If.

There is an after.

 

There is hope.

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