Mourning

Parental Alienation

Mourning
Time lost
Opportunities lost

My heart breaks
Every day
Watching you wait

I worry
Every day
That the sadness will take over
Engulf you too much

I am sad
For them
I know how no dad feels like
The echo is still painful

The border between
The three of you
Isn’t permanent
But it might as well be

The Mexican wall
Is her manipulation
As intangible as the other narcissist’s dream
But solid and prohibiting
All the same

They are lost on the other side
With no way to cross

Their covert and overt attempts
Scrambled
Under a gaslight burning so much oxigen
They can’t breathe anymore

Meanwhile you try to build wings
With duct tape so old it won’t hold anymore
Meanwhile you try to build a bridge
But the Lego bricks are brittle
Meanwhile you try to make a door
But the rusty hinges are jammed

You never know if they know
Off your attempts to scale the wall
You never know if they think
You abandoned them

That’s what’s on the propaganda channels
All day
All night
No matter how often they try to change the channel

They do not see your pain
They do not see your grief
They do not see your sadness
They do not see your broken hopes

The radio is too loud
There is some advertisement in-between the propaganda
Positive reinforcement with expensive presents
The media output is relentless
The words are vile

They cannot hear you hammer
They cannot hear you cry

Sadness

When sadness is all you know

And in the morning you get up
And you try to find an inch of caring
And you paint on a smile
And you moisturize your frown
And you put on your armour
All black, all red, a stunning dress
Yoga pants and tunic
Anything, everything to hide behind

Do not see me–
Get distracted by my armour–please!

Do not see me–
As I fade into the background–please!

I can’t fade.
I am too much.
Too obvious.
Too present.
And then there are words faster than my brain tumbling out unsuspectedly.
So I hide.
Behind my armour of distraction.
Homemade–my silent prayers woven into the fabric.
Not even dragon claws could cut through.

So you carry the hills, the wood, the sea, within. Anchors in a wild wild world.

You might carry faith, belonging, love.
You might carry anger, pride, resentment.
Opposing mechanisms for the same purpose: To keep you save
In this wild wild world, from whom you need to hide your pain.

When the world drowns in tears

Every tear carrying with it an infinite amount of pain
All around you
Inside you
There is no escape
Just pain
And sadness

The girl with the bleeding feet
Red shoes swirling wildly
Towards the abyss

Every drop of blood carrying with it an infinite amount of sorrow
All around you
Inside you
There is no escape
Just sorrow
And grief

Are you out of tears yet?

Are you out of pain?

Are you out of sorrow?
Never, ever again?

Just stop being silly
It will never end

But there is a hug
And there is a talk
And there are friends

There are birds in the trees
And flowers in the grass
There are rays of sunshine on your skin
And grey days for cuddling in

So cry your tears
And scream your fears
And bleed your sorrow
But then tomorrow
You get up again

Grief is a strange beast

Grief is a very strange beast
Fighting you with tooth and claw
You fight back
Every fiber of your soul
On high alert

Eventually it sleeps
For while
For days
For weeks
For months

And then
One day
 

You tamed it

And then
One day

You think you tamed it

You let your guard down
You don’t watch over your shoulder

And when you least expect it
And when it is most inopportune
It pounces
Claws stretched
Teeth exposed
Ripping open wounds
Barely closed over

Only to go to sleep again

Leaving you the aching pain of scars

Empty Space

IMG_20160926_113506Fathers’ Day—25 Years On

The hubbub of empty rooms
The hullabaloo of music gone bye
That unbearable rage of silence

Your shadow walking across the courtyard
An ethereal body chopping wood
The echo of your smell when I hugged you
The intangible sensation of your love

I am grown up now
The resonance of conversations
Reverberate in an empty space of my heart

25 years on
The empty space is quieter now
The echoes shallower
The excruciating sound of silence
Muted by life going on

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