Sadness

Sadness is leaking
Like broken plumbing
Sewage of pain
Better out than in ey?

Trying to stop the leak
With bad habits
Chocolate
Mainly

No drugs
Never drugs
Brain on emotional rollercoaster
And it keeps spilling everywhere

If you don’t watch it
It will stick to you
After a hug with me
I don’t want that

So I leave
Walk alone
In the dark
In the woods

I am not scared
I am the woods
I breathe the silence
I am never alone

They all died
Slowly
Painfully
The perpetrators
Cheating me out of my revenge

What now?
I have no choice
But to heal now
It’s painful
Healing

Scars hurt, itch, bother
Sadness leaks everywhere
Like a flood of gue
I can’t stop it

So I just let it leak
Let it spill out
Send it on it’s way
It will stop eventually

I know

Your Need

Your Need
To find someone to hate
To find someone to grate
To find someone to belittle
To find someone more brittle

confuses me

Your Need
For mercurial machinations
For merciless judgement
For malevolent gossip
For marauding emotions

angers me

Your Need
for grandeur
for fake valour
for othering
for bothering

annoys me

Your need to hide your insecurities
Is not more important than our need to be safe

Trigger Warning

Like light and dark
Like clouds crossing the ocean
So cross your feelings
Bobbing with the waves
Push and pull

Come closer I need you
Go away I hate you

That’s how it works
The traumatized self
Can’t cope alone
Can’t cope together

Must find someone to hate
To leash out to
Must have an enemy
Because every enemy created is better
Is saver then the enemy within

The one you can’t escape
The one who whispers from the shadows
The one you have forgotten

For now

But the pain
You haven’t forgotten
The pain is still there
Body memory
Simmering underneath the surface
The pain is anger now
A self righteous mission against windmills
Giants who never were

That’s why you chose to fight them
They are invisible
Nobody understands
And thus you win because nobody can tell you that your mission is a hoax
A distraction
A ploy

Warning harsh language!

we are caught in dichotomies
things are either black
or white

but this is not how we heal
we heal in the inbetween spaces

we heal in odem of prayer
we heal in unconditional love

but

but

but

I hate your guts
I hate everything you stand for
I hate your manipulation
I hate your abuse
I hate your lies
I hate your pettiness
I hate your professional victimhood
I hate your refusal to live
I hate your refusal to heal
I hate your anger
I hate your darkness
I hate your violence
I hate your hate
I even hate the hairs on your toes

but

I want you to heal
I want you to live
I want you to look in the mirror
I want you to see the light
I want you to take your pain
to really take it
and then let it go

I want you to fucking heal

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There was some debate lately in various forums with people of the healing ilk, about the nature of healing, boundary setting, professional victims, and expectations of some to ‘be healed’ not ‘do the healing’ … you know the whole leading the horse to water thing. And opinions seem to vary from clear cut: at some point someone needs a kick in the groin or at least be shunned, to: Love! Love as healing everything. So in my mixed medium art and the poem above I tried to show the crass dichotomy between love and hate, and in the poem the healer being caught in anger about someone passing on pain, being abusive, but the healers urge to still wanting to fix it.

Abuse

when the abuser believes to be the victim
when they don’t see the damage they cause
when they cry wolf to distract from grey fur showing through the sheep skin
when everyone but a few understand exactly who the wolf is
when their manipulation freys at the edges
when happiness threatens their reality
when their forgetting isn’t holding in the demons anymore
whereever they turn the demons are everywhere
there is no escape

She

Is the breath under your wings
The sun in your eyes
The warmth in your heart
You held one another drowning

Until

You notice that her storm carried you away from friends and family
She burned your retinas with poison
The fire inside you breaks out violently

Still

After almost a decade

The wounds

Are bleeding

#Michelle

I remember watching YouTube live:
A beautiful, intelligent, warm, and strong woman
I remember the nausea reading the comment stream live: monkey, ape, man
I remember my little niece
Desperately wanting blonde hair
She too is beautiful, intelligent, warm, and strong

You can always afford to see what matters
It is your prerogative not to
But we still share womanhood
And you still are sister

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