I have nothing to say

I have nothing to say 
That could sway you
I have nothing to say
You are able to hear
I have nothing to say
That would touch you
I have nothing to say
You could understand

You have nothing to hear
But your hatred
You have nothing to hear
But your spite
You have nothing to hear
But your darkness
You have nothing hear
That would give you respite

For years I try to find words
For years I try to understand
For years I try to empathize
But all I can speak of is darkness
But all that I can grasp his vile
But all I can feel is evil projectile vomiting of hate

When have you gotten so lost?

Outer Hebrides: Washed Away

Long evenings on the beach created an unfamiliar amount of time for introspection, breathing, watching, and then watching some more. The sky, the water, the sand, the animals. At some point the Gospel song ‘Oh Happy Day’ became stuck in my head. Mainly the phrase ‘he washed my sins away’. Exploring issues around trauma, there are some things we have been working with themes, phrases that seem to be taken on by the survivors: such as shame, guilt, worthlessness. In some workings phrases such as: ‘this is not my shame to carry’, ‘I am worth it’, ‘I belong’ became significant. So I tried to remember the main themes and words from this and wrote them in the sand on the beach, and let the ocean wash them away.

Incidentally while I was exploring these issues, the alienating parent called and insisted that the kid needs to be brought home immediately for a life and death medical appointment (literally: you are putting his life at risk). When trying to suggest that surely such an emergency would mean we should bring kid into closest hospital that was refuted. A flight was booked and the alienator flew all the way up to the Outer Hebrides to pick up kid for what turned out to be a routine follow up appointment after a course of antibiotics. Which a) could have waited until the end of holidays or b) could have easily been done at the medical centre, which was literally 10 minutes from the camp-ground. Sharing-agreements here in the UK mean the doctor would have had access to all records and also could have easily consulted with family doctor. Interestingly the alienator called once they had boarded the plane on the way back from holiday, so they were sure they could run through the whole ‘I am the hero’ scenario, and the plane did not have delays and would hamper the narrative. So after being convenient childminders for a week the poor kid was torn away from his dad to play their part in the story of ‘How I save my son from a made-up drama’.

It was on our last evening together, everyone was really sad and we tried to squeeze in as much of the favourite activities as we could. When walking along the beach, we found this heart made of shells. For me this was a sign: love always wins. And I made the little drama installation to ritually wash away the drama for our second week of holiday, the kid had to miss out on.

The other words and film snippets will follow over the next couple of days.

Outer Hebrides: Zombie

Zombie
Empty shell
Ran out of energy
Am vegetarian not eating brains
But eating life force of everyone I encounter

Must have the boy!
For my energy

Must cause pain!
For my pleasure

Must cause harm!
For my joy

Must cause grief
For my thrill

Must cause drama
For my entertainment

Zombie empty shell

Cannot feel but hate
Cannot feel but anger
Cannot feel but despise
Cannot feel but arousal

I won the battle
I got the boy
I showed them who’s in charge
I shoved two fingers and climaxed
In my victory

I know not
That I already lost the boy

I know not
Of his strength

I know not
Of his heart

I won’t understand his compassion
I won’t understand his love

I cannot love
I cannot feel empathy
I am a life lost

Solace in Insanity

Distorted visions
Lead by your insanity
You hide behind
The chaos in your mind

That’s where your power lives
Truth a threat you cannot bare
When the borders of your world
Grow thin
and the people within
Begin
To strive for freedom

You leash out with abuse and insults
Trying to regain control
To reinforce the chaos
You must not let loose
Or they will see the other side
If you let go they might learn
Of a world outside you

This must not happen
You must control
You must reign
You must win

Or else your whole world crumbles
Into oblivion under the light of truth
And what is left

Is you

Just you

Alone

With the voices in your head

This must never happen

Survivor

I want to rage
I want to rage so fiercely
Like a hurricane ripping up the land
I want to rain fire and brimstone
I want flood the lands with stormwaves tall as mountains
I want to swing my sword cutting through meaningless flesh
I want to scream until your eardrums burst
I want to let go let go of holding back the chaos

And thus
I sit
My back to the wall
Arms wrapped around my knees
Because all I want to rage against
Are dead already
It would be an empty gesture

I do not make empty gestures

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